Remembering Kuya

n exactly a week's time, we will commemorate my Kuya's 10th death anniversary. There is something immensely sad about that line. And even as I write this, tears are forming in my eyes. Bits and pieces of that terrible terrible night are flashing in my mind. There is nothing quite as painful as losing someone unexpectedly. And ten years since that night, I still cannot figure out why someone so kind and gentle had to leave our world so early. I still cannot understand why we had to go through that awful experience.

I did a lot of growing up that night. I remember trying so hard to keep it together when someone from the hospital called, informing me my brother was DOA. I couldn't even give in to my grief because I was trying so hard not to let Mama know that she jsut lost a son. I remember paging Papa who was stuck in traffic at that time to not go home and just go straight to the hospital. I remember him calling our house, asking me why Kuya was in the hospital and I remember telling him that he got into an accident and trying to sound nonchalant about it. I didn't tell him Kuya was gone. I just couldn't bear the thought of my Kuya alone in the hospital without family by his side.

I remember seeing him lying on that hospital bed with blood coming out of him. I remember touching him and being amazed at how cold and hard his body has become. I remember he was wearing a plain white shirt and black loose basketball shorts. I remember the people from the funeral parlor arriving and wheeling his body away from me.

I remember sleeping through most of my brother's wake because it was just too painful dealing with my loss. I remember people being amazed at how together I was when inside they didn't know a part of me died that night as well.

I remember how much I dreaded going to wakes and funerals afterwards. And even until now, when I do go, I don't look at the body inside that cold metal casket.

I remember mostly how much I still love him and I think of the many what ifs and what might have beens. I remember how close we were and how we even slept in the same room. I remember how one time we were playing with the camera and we just kept on taking our picture together, hoping our faces will fit the frame.

I remember he promised to be there during my highschool graduation since he wasn't there during my gradeschool graduation. He never lived long enough to see me graduate from highschool.

And now I just remember him. And I am reminded once again of this dull ache in my heart where I will always miss him.

I miss you Kuya. And I just wish you never had to go. I try to find comfort by reminding myself you didn't suffer. Maybe you never even realized you already left us until you found yourself in heaven.